What?

Bienvenidos a Moes!

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 04:09:53 GMT

Junior year... wow. Almost on the home stretch. As for me, my classes are kicking my butt. They're all incredibly interesting, don't get me wrong, but it's a lot more work than I ever thought it would be. The biggest difference between this year and any previous year, though, is the fact that I love the work. -Which, I guess, is a good thing.

Work is awesome, not just schoolwork. Moe's is pretty much my second place of residence now and the family that comes with it is freakin sweet. SO, if anyone wants a burrito at any time, come to Moe's!

Choir is basically amazing... my friends there constantly make me want to be a better person. There I never feel any pressure to be anyone or do anything at all. The fact that I can have the best times of my life while keeping things G-Rated makes my day every Monday or concert or rehersal day.

Riding... I miss it. I don't know when or if my ankle will heal well enough to ride, and even if it does I have no idea when I'd be able to ride. But I haven't since June, and my deprivation/ separation anxiety is mounting beyond belief.

Debate is something into which we won't get. I love it, I love the work, and that's all I'll say.

Friends: mine are amazing, you should be jealous. I would do anything for any one of them including sit in wet, sandy jeans for 4 hours with spiders crawling on me and balloons popping every ten minutes.

My family also makes me very happy. Dad's 57th birthday was Friday and we had a great time celebrating (special thanks to Monica, Nunnels, and Boone.)

Love? Haha I highly doubt it exists at this age. We aren't mature enough for it. That's the plain simple truth, at least for the majority of us. The common teenager's interpretation of love is so corrupt and misguided that it can and should never be called "love." Sorry, that was a minor rant. I'm not condemning in any way those who say or think they're "in love," just don't get your hopes up. Also, I'm not in any way claiming to know anything about love... all I know is how limited my knowledge of the subject is.

God. He's a cool dude. You should all get to know Him. I know religion's not for everyone, but this God guy is definately beyond religion, not limited to it. You can know and love Him without calling yourself Hindu, Jewish, or Muslim. I might be biased about this Jesus kid, but I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say he's a pretty interesting character as well.

So those are the most important aspects of my life right now, in a nutshell. I wish I could make everything perfect, make ammends for everything and with everyone, but that is probably as likely a thing to happen as Bush learning to speak the English language.

I apologize for this entry being so sporadic, I've just got a lot to say and somehow substantive words and concepts are failing me. I promise to do better in the following entries, but for tonight I really can't think of a common thread or a theme or a moral, really.

Except maybe... : We should all learn that mistakes are a good thing. I think that people become so uptight with the idea that when people do or say certain things they are always completely aware of what they are doing, the consequences of their actions, and that they are holding them self accountable for them. We become all- consumed, also, with the reasoning that if a person "is" a certain way, there's no changing them. No, people, unlike some literature characters, are not static. Stubborn, maybe (I'm Example A), obtuse, maybe (again, I'm a good example), ill-inclined to accept defeat or the fact that they're wrong (again, I'm completely guilty), but not static. People can and will change if they put their mind to it. We're also so easily convinced that multiple mistakes of the same nature mean that a person is unwilling to change, not making the effort, or unable to actually make the change. But again I argue that this is not true. Can a person not have a difficult time changing something? Is it really considered an easy task to change a personality flaw? Is it a sin or sometihng of that repulsive nature for a person to repeat mistakes? And shouldn't we, as their friends, instead of criticizing, judging, or otherwise be setting ourselves upon a perfect pedestal, be aiding them in the transition? And think of this: if it were not for mistakes, we would still think things about certain people, act in certain ways, and be utterly ignorant of our own human inadiquacy.

So, in this year of change... forever increasing in intensity and challange, be prepared not only for mistakes to be made by other people, but be prepared also to make them yourself- just always keep in mind the big picture: it's not how the mistake has affected the status quo; it's how you'll shape its effect for the future.

Wake Forest

Sat, 01 Jul 2006 19:08:50 GMT

Hey y'all! I'm at Wake Forest Debate Institute from July 1-29. It would basically rock my world if you could write me there: your letters meant soooo much to me last year at Northwestern.

Here's my address for those interested:

Kristin M. Rieck
P.O. Box 7324
Winston-Salem, NC 27109

I love you all, and I'll miss you more than you know.

MWAH!

In Retrospect

Fri, 26 May 2006 05:10:36 GMT

To begin, I apologize for abandoning you all for so long, I sympathize with your feeling of neglect... I know you all have missed my updates terribly. (Obviously, I exaggerate)

Although it seemed as if life were going to end on many occasion this year in the midst of various dramatic, worrysome, panicked, and otherwise unfavorable events, we've all gotten through it.

I often find myself reviewing various parts of this past year, and enjoying the fact that, when all is said and done I am able to laugh or at least better understand all that happened. I think it's funny sometimes that the decisions we believe to be the right ones to make at a certain time make you get that awkward feeling of "dramatic irony" when you look back on it. SO, now onto a catalouge of events of this year, which will apply to all of you at different times, but will not apply to all of you at the same time:

Ghetto dancing with the Spivey kids
Teaching G(K)nute to dance "modern"
Late night walks to the gas station
Looking at the wicked awesome moon after lying on the lowerschool field
GirlFlirt
Impailing your eye with a lemon, an apple, and more recently, a bag of frozen bread
Putting a banana (among other random things) down your shirt at lunch
You tripping over and cutting your leg so badly you needed stitches on a drain pipe
Rectum Squad
You breaking his computer
Us spitting tea out of a straw at him
Various "AA" meetings with our parents (no, that is NOT alcohol Anonomyous)
IMing you out of the blue one night in tears and you reminding me of "poptarts" which made my day
Singing christmas carols in my vacated house in the middle of AUgust
Getting ready for and going to a dance with you at your intense mansion
Telling you for the 4 billionth time to get out of my life when i really didn't mean it
Reading your diary and discussing it
Dominating your time with incessent questions about the webassign
Relying on you to get me a B in Chem so I could run far, far away from it at the end of the school year
Hearing you sing me to sleep twice when you thought I couldn't hear you
Studying with you two for 13 straight hours for the History exam
ROAST CHICKEN (need I say more?!?!)
The bunny
Flooding your toilet
Watching the three of you fight on his condo roof
"My condo is everywhere"
Realizing that my debate partner had actually been a best friend in disguise
Dropping T in the 1AR!!!! (how could you DO that??)
^^Realizing that that didn't really matter to me
Discovering that you and I kinda liked eachother
Giggles... ohjoy
Phone-videoing us dancing to rap in Richardson
A tomato in a golfcart
The TAB
Frisbee on the parade field
THE HELICOPTERS ON THE PARADE FIELD omg that was SO COOL
Destroying Monica's house
Cleaning Monica's house
CONDOM CASSEROLE
Calling you multiple times in tears knowing that you could technologically treach through and dry them for me
Working till 3 am many times on debate with you
Cutting your hair when you were stoned
Being able to help you through your intense stuff
Writing you like 102479q048 notes in one day
Recieving 209357q923485728903 notes from you in one day
Throwing a muffin at you at lunch and thinking it was the funniest thing ever
Hide and Seek
Tag
Summer Games
Missing you all for like 3 months
The Bonfire at the lake
Bob's
WAFFLE HOUSE
"There's cold stuff coming out of your mouth"
Homecoming: "Asian guys have small dicks"-"would you like some more coke sir?"
Sneaking out... multiple times
Midnight talks and oreos (and milk)
You and evan staying at my house
PIedmont park with a huge frisbee
My Concerts
Realizing that feelings for you won't ever die
Realizing I don't want them to
Running through the middle school sprinklers
convincing you your name was frank
WHEELS
Pictures at the lakehouse
You're fat
You're brown
Our Jerseys at Spring Fling
Discovering Nunnels
Scaring Nunnels
visiting you in the hospital
hearing you were in the wreck
worrying about that
being kicked out of richardson on many an occasion
throwing meat at you
making you be my bitch (be suprised you guys, that one applies to more than Ravi)

But all in all my favorite is by far this:

Coming to understand that the gift of realizing that we all are the best of friends and will always be there for eachother... through insane laughter, heartfelt tears, mispoken angry words, incredible debts, practical jokes, and stress beyond belief... is all that I needed to survive this year of studies, worries, and stresses-- and discovering that the love we all have for eachother is worth everything... to be cliche, it's truly "priceless."

Thanks, therefore, to all of you who have been my support through this year; thank you for your love, patience, understanding, and jokes. Know that words cannot describe to you how precious a spot each of you has in my heart, and that I am forever devoted to each one of you.

I love you.

Diez y seis

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 02:35:31 GMT

Words cannot describe the tumult of ecstatic emotions coursing through my veins as I walked through the doors at Maggianos last night.

I couldn't even taste the food (all my favorites). That's saying something.

I would fail, also, at attempting to relay the extent of my love for you all, for it surpasses any and all efforts of regular words and can only be compared to the infinity of the stars in the sky or better yet to my will to explain the feeling to you all.

To merely say "Thank you" would be to insult the gratitude I owe all of you, but it is all I have to offer. I must, however, mention a few people who I must thank the most.

Monica- for organizing it and becoming and avatar of Hitler.
Will- for chosing the food which I couldn't taste until tonight.
Mandy- for getting the invites out to everyone at church. BEEKAMM defiantely rules.
Ashley- for getting the invites out to everyone at choir.

I love you all, and thanks to everyone who was there last night, you all have made my year.

TWO DAYS!

Fri, 07 Apr 2006 00:23:51 GMT

I TURN 16,,,

IN TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

<>

Te echo de menos mucho...

Tue, 28 Mar 2006 02:46:24 GMT

No puedo decirte como te amo. No puedo decirte como te echo de menos mucho, cada dia. No puedo decirte como tu rompiste me corazon cuando tu me despidiste.

I like twenty four. I like it a lot. A lot a lot a lot. It makes me happy, unlike working. Blah. My spacebar and other keys on my keyboard feel weird... like harder to press in. Well, at least I still have my "W" and "R" keys. (Sorry Evan).

I turn 16 in twelve days. That's pretty pimp. I kinda wish I was having a party. But I haven't had time to plan it. My mom just wants me to go out to dinner with her and dad. I want to chill with ppl from the RS, as well as a few (ok maybe a ton) others. I honestly don't really care that much it's just a birthday.

Chicago is coming in 14 days. I'm so excited that he got his sh*t together. I really really really really hope that
1) I will pass my driver's test on Wednesday April 12 and
2) He will be able to shadow me for the day on that Tuesday.

Also, fuck my life. It's all one big dissappointment. Great. The biggest favor you all could do me right now is to shoot me in the face. Please.

Apathy, Lethargy, and Procrastination...

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 05:24:47 GMT

Those things together equal me mentally and pretty much physically unable to get any debate work done whatsoever. I'm

SO FREAKING NERVOUS.

I would very much like to sit down and cry, but I don't have time. The debates are in four nights. And I have sooo much work to do.

I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS TO BE OVER.

Oh-Ehm- Gee.

And the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair...

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 01:32:47 GMT

SO. Things have been different lately. Some good, some bad, some huge reliefs, some massive stresses. But that's life eh? Things happen. You get over them. Oh, a side note to someone who will most likely read this:

*I told you I forgave you. But I don't have the strength or the will to make complete ammends. I know you're sorry. I don't hate you. Not at all. But I don't think that I can go back to being friends. There are too many conflicts and too many dramatic feelings that don't need to be brought back up. I'm sorry things were so abrupt and that you got hit with more than just some of my stuff all at once, but things got out of hand and I needed to get the truth of how I felt (feel) out. I know that you feel like I'm being unfair, but I hope that you can see where I'm coming from.

Anyway. I guess I'm just kind of in one of those emo moods where you aren't really truly depressed but just kinda nostalgic and contemplative. Definately emphasize the nostalgic part. It's like coming across an old photoalbum and taking a moment to flip through the pages so forgotten they seem as if they're a different person, a different life. It's not necessarily that days were better. Not at all. I love life, she's my friend. They are just different times, different situations, different people, friends, loves. I miss some people that I feel are gone. We still talk, but I guess I miss the people they once were. I miss crazy days afterschool running around free from... knowing. --Knowing of the corruption that was soon headed our way. The lightheartedness of ignorance.

These years are weird. We're suspended between longing for independence and adulthood, being able to be counted on, expiriencing the freedoms available to us. We look foward to the seemingly limitlessness of college life, the parties, friends, opportunities, life expiriences that it will bring. And yet we remember the carefreee days of being kids, not having to live up to the onerous expectations of the world, not having responsibilities, deadlines, stresses. We recall the days when we could roll around in the grass and play without watching the clock to make sure we get our work done. We think back, sometimes, on our innocence- blissful innocence- that made the alien depression and corruption of the world a stranger in our eyes. It's different, but I appreciate the expirience, sitting here, removed from either world, able to ravish in the comfort of each.

I marvel at how we've grown up. Of those with whom I have spent a greater part of the last 4 years, it's been incredible to watch us all mature. Some of you I expected to become the people you are today. Others, I had no idea. I love you each as much now as I did when I met you so long ago, although some of us have grown apart and others have come together. I can't tell what lies ahead for each of us, but what I can say with confidence is that the future- the rest of our lives- lies in our own hands. The path of life we will choose to walk is up to our personal discretion. I don't ask or expect any of you to accept my own aspirations, or anything close to them. What I do request, however, is that not one of you take a single moment, person, gift, for granted. We all have been blessed with so much and life is so preciously short that none of us can afford to let it pass us by. Wherever you decide to go, what (or who) ever you decide to do, love it, live it. Be happy, and keep in mind that "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return."

Spray Tan a Chicken Chimichanga with Kisses

Mon, 20 Mar 2006 00:40:29 GMT

I got a new USB drive but I can't open it because of that annoying air-vacced plastic cover they put around it. I really despise that stuff. This guy came up with a plastic cutter specifically designed to open the plastic, but the genius decided to seal THAT in air-tight hard-as-crap plastic as well. Raving idiot.

It's been an enjoyable day. Sundays don't count in Lent so I've been able to eat more than my customary bread in the morning and meat at night meals. Those are hard, and with each week I get more and more intense about it. This week I virtually gave up the occasional soup and also allowing myself to eat the stuff that the meat just happens to come with: i.e. no Chicken Bryan at Carrabbas because of the goat cheese, basil, and tomatoes on it. Yeah. But I've also been kind of discovering more and more significance behind the cause. And it's been a pretty enlightening expirience (no pun intended whatsoever).

I also got to go back to church and Youth today. My schedual finally permitted it. I was really pumped to be back there. The people really are amazing: They aren't fake and hypocritical like SOME people/churches we all know. I really really really really missed Mandy, Blaine, Elyse, Brian, and Nick. I was dissappointed that Emily and Collin didn't make it, but I guess I have no room for complaint.

I'd like to thank everyone at youth for giving me such a warm welcome. You all are family to me and it has been harder than even I could previously have imagined to be seperated from you guys. I love you more than you understand, and appreciate the light you shine in my life all the more. Thanks.

This has been a very interesting week/weekend. I made Woodward 2nd year nationals, as most of you know, but I have to write a completely new aff with my partner Farhan, which in layman's speak basically mean that I have an incredible amount of work to do. The thing is, though, it takes me a lonnng time to get pumped up about working on debate for some reason. There are really only two weeks left to work, so I really need support and energy drinks. I also need to live at Monica's house. I'm serious. This weekend has been great. There's one part that made it absolutely INCREDIBLE, too. Monica spontaneously spent Friday night and I also found out that she's gonna be spending all of next weekend with me. :^) I also flooded Evan's toilet. THAT was hysterical. I laughed harder than I have laughed in a very long time. Also, I dressed up like a retard and walked with Evan, Farhan, and one crutch that was also dressed up to Starbuxx and back... that was.... interesting. Good laughs though. I had to ride a psychotic horse on Saturday. Pretty much almost died. Yeah. That was fun.

Monica- Thank you for ALWAYS being amazing. There's no other way I can describe you. Simply incredible.

Ravi- Thanks for being such a decent, bighearted genius. I love you, and am eternally frateful to you for always helping me with my school/debate work.

Evan- Thanks for laughing with me when I flood your toilet, helping me dress up to go to Starbucks, and for having your condo be located everywhere-- except near my house. Thanks for making me feel like I can do anything.

Nunnels- Nunnnnnnnnnnnnles. Thanks for being normal.

Boone- Thanks for making me laugh when nobody and nothing can. Thanks for making me feel important and special to somebody, and as though I have something to give back to the world.

You five: You all are my everything. I would do absolutely anything for any one of you. Thank you for making it all seem possible and for making the clouds vanish into sunlight. I really doubt I could bear it all without you guys holding me up. You are my strength, my inspiration, my loves, and my life.

*I don't deserve any of the love that any of you have so graciously blessed me with, be it in choir, church, or school, but I want you to know that I appreciate and love you all with every fiber of my being. <333

The Massacre of the Term Paper

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 03:59:24 GMT

So I finished writing and editing the History term paper this afternoon at Evan's. I did most of the WORKS CITED during my dinner break at choir. I still have to do all of my footnoting. I still have to do like 4 new Web Questionairres because my life sucks. I got to be at 530 this morning and was up at 820. Frankly, I'm not that happy of a camper.

Love sucks and boys are confusing. I lost the Ace of Hearts.

I'm very frusterated with my grades this school year and even more frusterated that this entry is not helping me in the least to fix those problems.

I want sleep but cannot get it for my work stands in the way... the ever-present jailor of my relaxation.

The thing I look foward to at the moment is Summer Games. Inquire for more info.

"You look... tear"

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 00:28:59 GMT

The title of this entry is based off of a direct quote from Bobo to me, spoken on Friday night.

WARNING: I'm really sick and very confused and unable to completely form a complete thought at the moment so don't take anything I write here too literally.

I feel like a completel failure. It feels like I'll start off naturally incredible at the things that I do but then talent levels off. At that point I need to work for things and I do for awhile but somehow apathy takes over.

Also, these things suck:

1. I can't afford to live out a life-long passion: competative horseback riding. There's just no way my family and I can afford it. So I get to work my butt off taking care of 100k (literally) horses for their twelve year old owners who don't appreciate them and couldn't take care of them themselves if they tried, who treat me like the sh*t I clean out of their horses' stalls because I can't afford one of my own, or even to widely show one of theirs.

2. I used to be incredibly competative in my education and all around intellect but now I feel and act as though I could care less. Because of these past four years of intellectual apathy I don't have the drive that feuled my capacity to understand and make all A's without studying at all.

3. I blew my chance to prove that I can debate well.

4. I feel like an idiot around those who should be my peers.

5. I'm not worthy of any of you or any of your love.

6. I'm a failure in the eyes of my parents because I'm irresponsible, disrespectful, incompetant, and forgetful.

7. All of this is my fault.

I know that this is all a self-fufilling prophecy. Saying it just entrenches the truthfullness of it all.

Whatever. Shoot me in the face.

Again, don't even think about any of this. It's just the fever talking.

Sorry for wasting your time two entries in a row.

A lot of nothing...

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 02:41:19 GMT

There is a lot of nothing spinning around in my head. I'd like to start talking, but I've no idea where to begin. Some absolutely crazy things emotions have been stirred up lately. I feel like I've been working like a dog, (oh wait, I have been)but falling short of true success. My drive for some things is rapidly slipping into a giant pit of apathy, because I'm so caught up in worries, some of which were supposed to have ended like 8 or 9 months ago. -- Very uncool, by the way. I feel like the only thing, though, that is "real" in my life right now IS my work... people, emotions, society... it's all suddenly fake to me. I realize, though, that my interpertation of the things listed above is not a favorable one, but how am I to change what I feel right now? Sometimes it's as though every affirmation of one thing leads to doubt of another. Every understanding of one person leads to confusion concerning another. Each statement I form in my head brings about another question. I'm going stircrazy and yet working myself to death at the same time. Possible? I don't even know. I don't want to stop doing the things that I do because I feel like my activities are better anchors than people... since people tend to float away. Plus, idle time to me is wasted time. Furthermore, I question: does anyone else plan every second of every activity in which they participate around the prospect of getting into college? My life is nearly dominated with the prospect of being accepted into Northwestern, Georgetown, UVA, or George Washington U. It's a good domination, because it keeps me striving to do well (except in ruts like this into which I fall from time to time). However, as absurd and unrealistic as this is, I sometimes feel as though one person would be able to change it all for me. But I know that it's not going to happen ever again. Which is depressing in its own respect, but 99.9% of the time I don't think about it. Just felt like mentioning it, since it fits in with the title- nothing. At times, the realization that I have a ton to share with "that person" in life but nobody with whom I can/want to share it is frusterating.
1.- Does not want it to happen again.
2.- Is too good of a friend, would like to keep him a FW/B's.
3.- Wants it to happen, but a) I'm not sure I really want it to and b) lives wayyy too far away.
4.- Wants it to happen, but is too treasured as a friend and a debate counterpart.
5.- Is a stalker.
6.- Is a stalker.
7.- Decided to go to his condo and return completely changed for good.
8.- I didn't even know his name until someone pointed it out to me like 2 weeks ago.
Yes, I do realize the pointlessness of the above 8 subpoints. But whatever, I wanted to get it off my chest. Again, though, I'm not trying to make a point (for once) with this entry, or to "make something happen" through it, I just need somewhere to put my labrynth of thought and my hands are too tired to write in my journal. I realize I've been redundant in my thoughts, but you should've been warned by the title of this entry.

I promise the following entries will have morals/points to them like the past few have... I like writing those better, but this needed to be let out. Whatever. I'm pissed for wasting your time like that, but thank's for reading my pointless ranting.

-tin

Happy Naked Baby Flying Day

Wed, 15 Feb 2006 03:13:03 GMT

I promise, I am not a freak, or much of one. The title refers to Cupid. Anyhoo. This week marks the one-year annevesary of Papa dying, among other things. However, this is not as sad a time as it was a year ago. --Thankfully. I realize that the love of my friends and family is what counts, not the love of a sex partner (;^)).. however much fun they may be. Plus, I'm too busy really to dewell on my lack of a "Significant Other."-- Whatever.

But I can't lie and say that I haven't thought about it at all. For awhile I have felt that something big was going to come my way. I haven't been able to tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but somehow I feel certain that whatever it turned out to be would, at the worst, end in a little more closure. Apparently I was completely misguided. The lack of a significant presence of someone of the opposite sex continues. I cannot help but let my mind wonder what things might be like if we had tried... It couldn't be worse than something we've previously gone through. Erugh nevermind. :^/ things for now will just have to suffice. [I] [M][i][s][s] [b][][i][n][g] [l][o][v][e][d]. -- Basically sums it all up.

Also, I happened to be reading some of my ancint messages from this thing yesterday... and it was pretty intriguing to see how much we all have grown up. It was also interesting to think about how the list of people I care about a ton has changed and stayed the same through the years. Some of the things that were so crucial to my everyday life back then seem so trivial now. And some of the things said seem so fake. But, some of the feelings are still so real..

I hope that you all have had a great February 14; I love you all and I especially thank those of you who have made this Hallmark Holiday a bit less empty for me, I hope that I have returned the favor.

<3<3<3<3</3<3<3<3<3 PS- Gracias para todos de nuestros momentos buenos. Siempre te amare, y te echo de menos mucho.

Bittersweet Lullabies

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 01:35:34 GMT

I'm not really sure what led me to open this "Update Page." I really should be working on one or both of my two term papers. Or my debate assignment. Or the other homework assigned to me. But lethargy has once again taken mind and body captive and I am a hostage to procrastination.

In english, we've been studying transcendentalis and Walt Emmerson, who really popularized the movement. One of the excerpts from his writing that my class read, disected, and discussed was about Property. A line that struck me stated his opinion that today, a person's identity is often based not upon who they are but is rather an assessment of that which they have. In many ways, I find his opinion to be quite true.

When people think the name Bill Gates, they automatically see a dollar sign, and not just one. When public schoolers think Woodward or Lovett or Westminster, they think wealth and stereotypical snobbery. Sometimes, we even refer to people by certain things they have: "Oh, the girl with the Jaguar," or "Yeah, that kid with the awesome camera."

However, I can also see how Emmerson's view can be disproven. People in this world are not always defined with what they have, but by certain characteristics about them. For instance, many people think George Bush and psycopathic monkey at the same time, for his both physical and mental likeness of the animal. There are also references to people by their physical characteristics, "the boy with the spiked hair" or "the girl with the blue eyes."

After writing and rewriting this very paragraph about a dozen times, I've finally realized that what I have to say is relatively simple: I just want to stress the fact that we need to be careful of which stencil we choose when drawing our mental picture of someone else. Before sealing your opinion of another person, ask yourself: Who has drawn this picture? The standards, stereotypes, and sources drawn from society? Or the personality, words, and actions of the INDIVIDUAL? We are all guilty of judging others. It is normal, and completely acceptable, and my point is not to bash being judgemental. Rather, my point is that we must learn to be more careful in our conclusions of other people so that identity may once again become personal, not political.

Other than this random sermon, I've been thinking a lot lately. I seem to be caught up in memories and "What ifs," rather than the present moment, which is not all that good. I must apologize to my friends for not being attuned to their unspoken needs. This is a period in life where, at points, our ability to remain sane is dependant upon the ability of those around us to keep our sanity for us.-- In my case, I haven't been doing a very good job of keeping either mine or that of my friends, and for that I apologize.

I love you all and I think I'm giving up for the night. Term papers and homework will just have to be completed later. Good night and good luck to those of you who have more patience than I.

Blue Christmas...

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 02:34:56 GMT

Don't mind the heading to this entry. While that's how I feel once in awhile lately, it's just something to get over. Moving on... A song that we sing almost every year in our Spivey Christmas concerts starts off:

"Christmas makes you feel emotional
It may bring parties or thoughts devotional
Whatever happens or what may be
This is what Christmastime means to me..."

Well... What DOES it mean to me??

Amidst the hustle and bustle of working for money to buy presents, buying the presents, making the presents, going out to buy more presents and realizing I need to work more, and thus beginning the cycle anew this year, I haven't found all that much time to contemplate the topic.

For years as a child, Christmas meant the fat guy squeezing down the chimney with a mysterious bag full of toys and goodies all of which, I was sure, were for me. But, years passed as they tend to so ruthlessly do, and I learned that the lovely obese figure and his unique reindeer were just a figment of my oh-so-wide imagination. So what now??

I thus began my search anew, looking for the "True meaning of Christmas" if I may be so cliche. For a couple years, I was still thoroughly satisfied with the presents given to me, the hot cocoa, and the coffee cake. But, difficult as I am, the presents became less surprising, the cocoa a bit cooler, and the coffee cake a bit more stale.

Accordingly, I focused my attention on some other things that come along with the Christmas season. My Spivey Hall Christmas concerts soon proved to be a big hit in my "Christmas Spirit- ometer." The thrill of belting out the descant to "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" or "O Come All Ye Faithful" with the organ playing and the audience singing in the background gave me a rush with which nothing could, or can, compare. Watching my poor maudlin mother cry without fail through her 90th concert due to her pride from watching the choir sing made and still makes a slightly smaller lump rise in my own throat.

This year, though, I have realized (through no difficulty or upsetting self-inflicted emotions of my own) something else that defines my Christmas. It came to me in various instances: giggling uncontrollably with my best friends after one of us broke another's nose, ice skating in the middle of Centennial Olympic Park while holding hands and harmonizing along with familiar Christmas carols with my Spivey Family, and watching the annual showing of "A Christmas Story" on TCM (the only station not riddled with pointless commercials) while curled up in a blanket with the rest of my family gathered in the family room with me.

With many Christmas songs carrying a "love" innuendo, I had been a bit down and concerned that my lack of a formal relationship might leave a hole in the stocking carrying this year's Christmas Spirit for me, despite the fact that my concerts were still in full swing and presents would still be opened on The Big Day. I also wondered how much the insane work schedual would steal out of the bag, having to work from 7am to 1pm Christmas Eve Day and all. But as I sit in relaxed contemplation, I can see that the happy times listed above have blessed me with the true definition of Christmas:

It's realizing that the best present I could ever open has been handed to me undisguised by any wrapping paper-- The overflowing pool of love that my incredibly tolerating and amazing friends and family have so selflessly given to me.

So, if I were to say that when I said "Merry Christmas, Happy New Year" it meant "Thank you" and "I love you" all in one, I wish you all the Merriest of Christmases, and the Happiest of New Years.

MiXeD eMoTiOn

Fri, 09 Dec 2005 20:52:49 GMT

This past week has brought the good, the bad, and the ugly knocking on my door. If I could describe my state of confusion in some aspects of my life, then they wouldn't be nearly as enigmatic as they really are. I just sometimes wonder whether or not I like this whole "growing up" thing. On the one hand, I have my car (3months, 30 days), riding in Worlds, being able to go to Chicago for New Year's to see my buddy Nick, a paycheck (as minute as it is), and the other exciting occurances of growing into a responsible citizen. However, as much freedom as "adulthood" brings, there is always the seemingly overbearing load of responsibility unquestionable self reliance. I guess it's a good thing that I have a real job for which I have real hours that go toward a real paycheck. But some nights I just want to be able to go home and ask Mom for some dinner.-- Please. There's also my parents expectation that now that I have a job and am 'responsible' that I should not have to ask them for anything. Isn't this backwards? Shouldn't I be the one begging for more seperation. It feels as though they are trying to save themselves later pain by kicking me out of their service before I ASK to go. What happened to the liberty of being a kid? Again, though, that seems a very backward statement for someone almost sixteen to ask.

But once more I realize that at this point, there is about as much "backwards vs. fowards" and "right and wrong" for older teens as there are cow eating Ghandis in India.

I must repeat to myself all that I know to be true: This is the time in life during which questions are supposed to be asked, as "backwards" as they seem, and the only "backwards" thing in my life now is my bra. --oops!

THANKSgiving

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 02:29:00 GMT

This Thanksgiving my mom, dad, and I travelled down to my anut's house in Amelia Island, FLorida to close on our land down there and to celebrate the holiday. The week has, so far, gone pretty well; there were no last-minute cooking erros, nobody got drunk enough to fall in the pool and I managed not to wreck my aunt's BMW z4 convertible. However, I did become a bit puzzled by my own relief that the usually inevitable question, "So what are YOU most thankful for?" question didn't make its way around our festive table this year. "Why am I relieved?" I thought. I knew the answer even before I formed the question in my head.-- I was trapped in the all-consuming dark cloud of pessimism that seems to be seeping into everyone's state of mind these past few months. This is not to say that the glomy feeling is not justified in its own right. There have been many causes for the continuous presence of the downhearted feeling this year, and these causes are known enough not to waste time repeating them for the person blessed enough not to know of them. So, luckily, this has been my only puzzle to ponder during this holiday of celebration, and I have been glad to be occupied enough not to brood over the subject much.

On that note, I'll continue... (and by the way this dismal note does take a turn at the end of the story so just bare with me through some of the horrible detail)

Wednesday we arrived at the house and my parents closed on our land while I went for a run (yes Nick, I HAVE been running!) and played chauffeur for my aunt. Thursday was, of course, Thanksgiving, Turkey and the Falcons (and a run- blehh too much turkey). Friday was (one guess Nick), and endlesssss shopping with the aunt and the mother.

TODAY however comma, was antiquing.-- Which, as John knows, is MUCH, MUCH, worse than country music at a hockey game. I was dragged by my cuticles to Saint Augustine with six over-the-hill adults to a place that had more people and furniture older than Ghandi (and about as dead as he is) than there are ants in the entire universe. OK OK MAYbe an overstatement, but you get the picture. As you might imagine my mind began to wonder, despite my immense excitement that came from seeing the fifteenth 500 year old dresser that would be "perfect" in the living room. I once again started to mull over the question never asked of me: "What am I most thankful for?" All I could think of was the bad: The things that have caused the sand man to stay far, far away from my room at night, the mist of tension in some settings of my life and the occasional will to just "get away from it all." I pondered over the near misses, the lucky escapes, and the lessons learned the hard way that have all become constant in the lives of my friends. I thought of the mistakes, the open-ended questions, the frequent tears that have visited us all (or so it seems).

And then I realized... THIS is what I'm thankful for: The misses were near- they didn't happen. The escapes were lucky- they got away. The lessons were learned from- though hard, they are better than the other possibilities. The mistakes- without mistakes, how would we really know right from wrong? The questions- will be answered if we just listen; there are some that we as 14-17 year olds just can't answer. The tears- allow us to meet new shoulders to lay our heads upon.

I realized that this year has been one like no other. It has been one with tremendous ups and downs.-- But those ups and downs just serve to make the rollercoaster of life more interesting.

I realized just how much I take for granted. I see the "Bad" for what it is on top: the bad. However, I have learned that that is just the top layer: the ice on the pond. The drama, the fear, the tears- they're all the result of slipping on the ice. The fact is that I have to be grateful that the ice caught me (and my friends and loved ones). It didn't break, and we're all still above water and in no way are we drowning, especially with this crazy insane circle of friends all ready to pull us to safety if we do fall.

I also realized that I still cannot answer the question: What am I most thankful for this year?

Well, this year, I have more to be thankful for than I can ever realize so I will have to settle for "D."-- All of the above.

Jumping

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 01:45:30 GMT

So a recent problem I have while riding is rythm and distance. Right as I approach the jump, I'll get into 2-point (as I'm uspposed to) but then, if the distance seems too long or even too good to be true, I'll pull back which forces my horse to make an extra stride and jump short. It is as though I hang on to that last stride, try to squeese all possiblities from it. However, it only ends in a scrambled, ad-hoc jump. Not good.

Unfortunately this problem is not limited to horseback riding, and in fact covers a lot of my life.

I know that this could be an amazing jump, but why do I feel hands twitching on the reins? I know nothing more can come from this last stride and yet I clutch on.

::Yo Necesito Dejar de Llevar este novio muerdo::

I'm sorry ____ if the take off is rocky.

IM SO HAPPPPPYYYYYY

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 05:37:56 GMT

HOLY CRAP TODAY ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOUR FRIENDSHIP MADE MY DAY

SO DID SINATRA

I HAVENT DANCED LIKE THIS IN SO LONG

I ALSO LIKE THESE CAPS

LIFE, I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

To Continue, my Chameleon

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 01:50:02 GMT

The groups I chill with, which are supposedly "open-minded" and "nonjudgemental," lately seem very selectively permeable. To begin with, we have those who are generally known as "the wall group." They are the big thinkers, the ones seated above the immaturity of their lower peers. Typically, they are the epitome of apathy and care not about who happens to be joining their mealtime endevours. However, in such cases as mine, I feel myself to be under the weight of their critical stares. I feel unworthy, even though I haven't done anything to them. Continuing with our somewhat hostile lunch surroundings is the "left wall group." This group consists of the most "normal" of all the usual crowds. I would absolutely love to be able to penetrate their wall, because, frankly, I think they are great. However, there is one tiny aspect: I think they hate me. I spilled my milk the other day while getting up to put my tray in the trash. It didn't get on anyone, didn't kill anything, and it was outside on concrete for goodness sake. And yet, some unnamed person sitting next to me decided that it merited her calling me an asshole. Whatever. So much for being "noncritical." That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. I guess the hipocrisy of it all just gets to me. The very same kind of hipocrisy that they make a point of scorning. How lame. I mean, everyone's supposed to be "open" in this group. I guess even open now has limits. I just don't seem to meet the standard. Moving on, we have the "immiture, under-the-tree people." These kids are just that. -- Kids. They just like to hae fun. However, this is very frusterating. You cannot talk to these people because they simply do not listen and if they did they would'nt understand or help. It's all just loud, foolish playing. There just isn't any sort of level of maturity, no lines drawn in the sand. This is overwhelming and, to a point, embarrassing. Unfortunately, though, I turn the tables when I say all this, and that truly eats at me. I hate admitting the fact that we who seem to dine together in harmony have created a cacophony of tangible social levels, just once again forming the type of ostracizing that turned us away from the other masses of teenage society in the first place.

All of this is just another contributing factor as to why I feel so lost lately. Many other people have felt this "Great Schism" forming in our group as well. Nobody likes it, nobody does anything. I hope not to offend anyone by this posting; my only intention is to put the facts out there. I don't think that I am alone in my discomfort concerning all of this. I hope that no one else has felt so completely lost in the midst of the situation.

Hats off to those who see this and wish to make a change.

*Note, I really don't mean anything by just pointing out the flaws in these groups, and I'm sorry I left it to that. I agree with Monica's comment that we need to find a balance because neither extreme will be foolproof 110% of the time.

Check out the comments for further disscussion.

No Reflection

Wed, 05 Oct 2005 01:24:31 GMT

I think I'm just going through one of those periods in time where I really have no clue who I am. It's so cliche, but it's true. Last year, I had this picture of who I was, or at least who I wanted to be. The years before that I didn't really care. It's as though everything is changing: the people around me, the world's expectations, everyone's outlook on life, people's morals, and I'm generally becoming this cynical person I didn't know I could be. It really sucks. It's as though I look into a pool of water, but the water's moving too fast to see a reflection. I feel like I've lost my anchor in life, and in some ways I think I might have. Maybe it's just desperation and stress, but I feel as though no matter where or how hard I look I'm never going to find another anchor. And I can't get back the one I lost because it sunk awhile ago. I would like something, some kind of support, to center myself around. This sounds really terrible like "ME ME ME listen to ME cry," and I don't want it to; however, I've felt this way for awhile.

How can I find out who I am? Is it different from the person you precieve me to be? Who do I want myself to become? Why do I feel like a rope with frayed ends? Why do I feel like diving to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve my anchor, when I know I probably won't even be able to pick it back up?

^^ These are the questions going through my mind lately.
-- Oh well.

And Sahil: Thanks so freakin much for this weekend, you truly are a pretty amazing kid. I don't want to think what I'd have done without you there for me. I owe you bigtime buddy.

A Huge thanks...

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 17:38:13 GMT

This entry is dedicated to all of you out there who lend me a steady hand when things are rocky. You have no idea how much you are appreciated. I take all you do for granted, simply because you do so much for me no human could ever grasp the amount of love you show. If there ever comes a time when you need me to return the favor, I will attempt to give back 150 times what you have given me, though I think even to give the same amount would be impossible. I don't know how you do it, but somehow you all always manage to be there for me. That in itself represents your unflawed characters as friends.

I love you all more than you can possibly imagine, and I thank you once again for your kindness.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Please...

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 02:30:15 GMT

I would really just like to get away. I don't really care where I go, I just want to leave for awhile. I'd like to be able to drive off in my own car... windows down, no headlights and just the moon. I wouldn't need rear-view mirrors because I wouldn't have to worry about leaving anything or anyone behind me. It would be the fullest extent of the phrase "no strings attached," and I'd milk it for all it was worth. I would burn the miles between here and there until I felt ready to stop. I'd pull into a park and sleep on a swing, just to say that I could swing in my sleep. I'd wake with dawn and walk. To where? I don't know... but my anticipation needs to subside before I drive again. Drive home again because despite the need for air to breathe, I unfortunately realize that I depend on others to supply me the necessities that enable me to do so.-- For now. But in a couple years when the rest of the world recognizes that, beside legal and monetary issues, I have been quite ready to venture out on my own for awhile. So when that glorious day comes there will be no stopping until my heart has actually calmed its insistent cry for more than just reundant reliance upon others.

Overwhelmed...

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 01:35:48 GMT

OK so I wrote an entry five minutes ago... read it... and decided to delete it. No me gusta complain-ando.

Whoooooop.

Could I have a hug from someone?

Skyrocket

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 23:44:01 GMT

So they have been telling us and telling us that the oil prices are going to jump through the roof for the past what, year? And what did we Americans do? Repeat the mistake of not heeding world facts (i.e. that Amsterdam, France and Tokyo have been above four gallons a barrel for years now) and assuming that we are in some whacked out state of exception in which the world market is controlled by us and therefore its fluxes do not affect us. The 22- car long lines at the 6 gas stations lining Virginia Avenue today were a testimony to the ill-equipped finances of the residents of our country. However, despite the sudden impacts of this procrastination of concern, the matter still did not reach top priority in the news. -- Or any priority, for that matter. Listening to NPR (National Public Radio) on the way home today I was annoyed by the same redundant reports pretaining to the horrible yet perspectively localized Hurricane Katrina. While conscious of the fact that the country is aware ofthe catastrophic damage done to parts of Louisiana, Alabama and other mildly- affected states in the Gulf Coast region, the National radio station continues to drone on about its wrath. If one were to describe the "droning," though, s/he would most certainly have to explain that more than 60% of the reports is tortuous interviewing of those residents already suffering enough. One report I listened to incorperated a mother who said that "as soon as [she was] done with the interview, [she could] take [her] critically ill baby to the hospital for treatment." Now, I automatically assumed that at this point the interviewer would find some trace of human compassion and let the poor, crying woman take her sick child to the hospital, but to my shock and awe, the report continued! This is where America gets its thrills: hearing of the sufferings of other people. We have resorted to the thought process of middle school social drama. So, next time you find yourself regretting not saving your money in order to pay for the $60 worth of gas you just pumped, just think of the sound of a sobbing soul choke out details of how their house is filled with eight feet of water, and if you're a true American, you'll cheer right up.